18. Notes - embarrassment / irony / dark humor

18.  11 September 2019

       You erased the following paragraph from the conclusion of yesterday's blog because you are extremely conscious of the fact that this blog is you even though, through extension, it is every reader's blog in the sense that each reader has her or his thoughts relating to some of the human exercises you are writing about. It bothers you to use the pronoun, I, even in your college days you enjoyed dropping the pronoun to a common, i, instead, with a tip of the old black beret to the poet e. e. cummings. You always have preferred lower case in reference to your name and I do not capitalize it out of respect to that old preference. I feel yesterday's paragraph should be included because it is deeper within than you think. - Amorella

       Originally, at 2209 hours last night. As I have written before, in my heart of hearts and in the deepest of my mind, I recognize that G-D exists. I do not need to believe, I don't need to have faith. Yet, I remain a doubter because it is the way I am built, it is my nature. I accept who and what I am, a human being, an existential transcendentalist who is also an older student on a personal study of what it is to be human. 

       Post. - Amorella

       1135 hours. This is very embarrassing to share such thoughts, I would appreciate that any reader might consider this. I am not ashamed, just embarrassed. I do not mingle well with people other than friends and family. I never know what to say to them most of the time. I know what I feel, but such feelings are private, or should be. I am a very socially awkward fellow inside, believe it or not. I was   taught to be honest with myself and others, I was also taught to be polite at a very young age. This is the main reason for my awkwardness. The irony of course, is that I write fiction.

       True to form, orndorff. - Amorella

        Afternoon. You are at the north Kroger's waiting on Carol to buy a few more things for baking. She is making a desert tomorrow for the AAUW meeting tomorrow night. She is picking up Cathy for the meeting. You have lunch with Fritz tomorrow as well as your high school Class of 1960 supper. Friday morning someone is coming to fix the mechanical aspect of the front door lock.  Saturday late afternoon you have supper with Tod and Cathy at Antonio's out by Hoover Dam, and next Wednesday the handyman comes to put up a new fan and perhaps also wash the windows. - Amorella

       1657 hours. It seems a lot to put in but then we lead a very normal retirement life. It's been a year in our house this week. Time flies, or seems to. I have next to nothing in my head about a subject to write about. Maybe we are done with the Consciousness theme, but I hope not because I liked yesterday's topic. I never thought of Consciousness in terms of spiritual matters, mostly because consciousness can be measured at least in human beings. I really like Tennyson's poem "Flower in the Crannied Wall". It is one of my favorites. 

       This is not about you, boy. - Amorella

       1708 hours. I know this. I just get carried away. I mean I truly love the poem, but attempting to understand what G-D is, is good in the poetic aspect but that indeed would be blasphemy to attempt. 

       Is it not arrogant to even think on attempting to understand G-D? - Amorella

       1712 hours. This is where I get in a fix. It is human to ask a lot of questions but who in the world thinks they can speak for G-D? Not me. I like to avoid the subject as much as possible because when it comes up, like now, you drill on me like I think an Angel would. I humbly attempt to let such thoughts go because they are arrogant. Human beings are arrogant but I don't like to act in that way, but I do. If we weren't arrogant we could not have Free Will. We wouldn't have the audacity to act on such things. I don't know why it is so important that we can act on our own personal Free Will, but we can, and we do. It is who we are, so we deal with it -- sometimes. Sometimes we don't do shit. We are tired and we just don't care because we don't have the wherewithal to get out of our daily rut and besides that we don't have the energy.

       You are home from the grocery and Carol is mowing the back yard because she wants it done even though it is ninety degrees. - Amorella

       Hey, old man. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Why are you feeling guilty for being old. You mowed the lawn for years now you can't mostly because of arthritis in your knees. False pride. Let it go. mh

       1806 hours. You're right, Ms Havisham. 

       You can continue with this Consciousness theme. - Amorella

       1810 hours. I am willing to do so, but my mind is blank. 

       And, so is your spiritual heart. -mh             

       Welcome to your world, old man. No one really knows what to do about how things are around the world, so they go on, like you said. More than anything else your heartansoulanmind would like more politeness and honesty with politeness first. What do you think other heartsansoulsanminds would like? - Amorella

       1857 hours. This is an impossible question. I don't think most people have the time to think about it even if they have the inclination to do so. In fiction this was relatively easy -- I brought in alien Marsupial humanoids who are 20,000 years advanced and they live better than we do; not that we would like to live like them. Irony, again. Dark humor.

       Post. - Amorella